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In some ways, my own story over the past 10 years mirrors that.
My addiction began as something small, but step by step over 10 years, it has transformed into something which is at times uncontrollable.
It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.
During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorized 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this. The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely.
So you’re first mistake is looking at a woman lustfully.
You don’t realize the self-loathing, and hatred a brother has for himself in his day to day life when he remembers what he does when no one is watching but Allah. Before i begin, let me say that in this story of my own descent into sin, i blame no one but myself. I am a brother between 25 and 30 with my own family who i love very much and I’ve been practising for many years. I don’t want to go into the details, but soon after i was introduced to pornography, i was hooked on it.
But the internet made everything accessible to me, and i could see what i wanted and when i wanted, all in the privacy of my own home.